Thursday, December 22, 2011

NFL Players Who Should Have Been Wrestlers

By Heidi Leach

Did you think all those on-field abilities (or lack thereof) were only helpful in football? So wrong, folks. There are quite a few NFL players out there who could benefit from a career in a WWE ring. The possibilities are endless and potentially far more entertaining. The good, the bad and the ugly are all welcome here in the land of lycra, steroids, and body oil.
Curtis Painter
The Painter’s Elbow. It has a ring to it. Let’s face it; he’s not that great at football. Maybe being a wrestler will force him to get a personality, even if it is a fake one. He could really benefit from a couple trips to a tanning bed too. Play up that “Sunshine” (Remember the Titans?) thing he has going on. I could get behind that. Come on, Curtis, with Peyton coming back and Luck about to join the Legendary Quarterback Club, your days of recognition are long over. At least this way people would still know who you are.
Clay Matthews
That long, blond, sweaty hair is just begging for some lycra pants. Eventually, the obvious steroid use is going to get him in trouble. Why not just cut his losses now and move on to a career where performance enhancing drugs are embraced? Let’s play up that Thor look and make some magic.
Rob Gronkowski
The Gronk Spike. You’ve been Gronk’d, This is wrestling GOLD. Not to mention he is just a massive human being and a blooming idiot. Nothing could be more entertaining than if the Rock got stuck on a team with this guy. Gronk would spend all his time running around trying to get with Kelly Kelly. Can’t you just picture the Zack Ryder/Gronk BFF situation that would instantly arise? Broskis for life! Fist pumping everywhere. This needs to happen.
Jay Cutler
We shall call him The Douche. He doesn’t even have to pretend. He can saunter into the ring with his perma-scowl and out-douche everyone else. I see him in a Miz-type role; the typical heel that pisses everyone off but somehow gathers a huge following other douches. Honestly, I think people might actually like Cutler if he were a wrestler. Instead, there is the all-encompassing hate that so many individuals feel for him as a quarterback. Whining about injuries is a prerequisite for being a wrestler, especially if you are a heel (see: Rhodes, Cody). Oh well, Jay, it could have been so fun.
Who doesn't want to see CM Punk take on all of these guys in a Table, Ladders, and Chairs match? Until the next installment, remember, I'm Awesome, we can't all be The Best In the World, Rise Above Hate, and Boots to Asses.

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