Friday, March 29, 2013

March Man Crushes: The Final Four

By Jeremy Conlin and Joe Parello

As April approaches, we've reached the best of the best in our March Man Crushes Tournament: The Final Four. With brackets converging, editors Jeremy Conlin and Joe Parello are finally forced to argue it out to determine who makes the finals and ultimately takes home the most prestigious title in all of SuiteSports, Grand Man Crush.

You can check out out the rest of the stories on our home page and click your way through the tournament. Now, without further ado, here are the semifinals.

1. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson vs 2. George Clooney

Joe: George Clooney may be the ultimate bachelor, but The Rock is currently the ultimate badass. Also, I think we can both agree that his pre-movie springboard (beating the crap out of large muscular guys) is way cooler than Clooney's stint on ER.

So, while Clooney is clearly man-crush worthy, I'm going with The Brahma Bull in this one.

Jeremy: But Joe, you realize that whilst beating the crap out of large muscular guys, he was doing so wearing a black Speedo, right? I mean, that has to have serious penalty points attached to it, doesn't it?

Joe: Uh, have you seen what The Rock looked like in that Speedo? I highly doubt Clooney could pull it off with such ease. Look, I'm not saying that Clooney isn't mad cool for humping everything in Hollywood, but the fact that he seems determined to do it until the end of time is a little sad. At some point, you're past your prime and, approaching his mid-50's, Clooney is getting close to that line.

Jeremy: The point isn't how good he looks in the Speedo, the point is that he's wearing it at all.

If I went and asked 20 third-graders what they wanted to do with their lives, I'm pretty sure "Be an actor and nail a bunch of hot broads" would finish way above "Wear a black Speedo, oil myself up, and roll around on the floor with a bunch of other oiled-up dudes in Speedos." Just sayin'.

Joe: First of all, for God's sake, don't give a bunch of third-graders those two choices. Second of all, The Rock was the most electrifying character in the history of wrestling, and I'm sure he "nailed a bunch of hot broads," as you so eloquently put it, as well. At the end of the day, can you really choose a guy as old as Clooney over the hottest action star in Hollywood that is just now realizing his acting potential? I think not.

Jeremy: I mean, that's really what it comes down to - The Rock has Fast Five under his belt, and has GI Joe: Retaliation, Fast & Furious 6, AND a Michael Bay flick all coming out in the next three months. Plus, he had a legendary performance in The Other Guys alongside Samuel L. Jackson.... Yeah, I don't even know what I was arguing for. This is clearly The Rock.

Winner: The Rock

8. Jon Hamm vs 5. Rob Gronkowski

Jeremy: On one hand, we have Rob Gronkowski, who may or may not cozy up with adult film stars, is the most premier physical specimen in the NFL right now, and has a propensity to spike the football in time to the cannon fires of the 1812 Overture.

However, by most accounts, the dude's a bit of a blockhead. Whether it's true or not, his whole persona just kind of exudes the mentality of "I'm not very smart but I can lift heavy things."

Is this an inherently bad thing? I suppose not. But Jon Hamm, along with being just a dude's dude (as I have covered multiple times throughout the tournament) goes above and beyond that by being, you know, able to form complete sentences and use words with more than two syllables.

If Gronk gets in an argument, his only recourse is to beat the guy up (admittedly, cool). Hamm, on the other hand, can probably beat the guy up, but is also smart enough to out debate his opponent on just about any topic. Hamm is the more complete package.

Joe: Perhaps Hamm is more complete, but Gronk just has that "who gives a shit" mentality that nobody else in the field can match. He got here because he's a wild man that no one can control, and I will say the same thing I said in his matchup with Gosling: Hamm has to follow rules, Gronk smashes rules with his giant forehead.

Assuming that to be true, doesn't that mean that Hamm's coolness comes with a degree of difficulty? Hamm is one of the coolest dudes alive in spite of living in a world constricted by rules.

We've already seen this battle. The Joker had no rules. Batman did. Batman won. Are you really going to argue against Batman?

(By the way, that sound you're hearing is my ancestor's applauding that flawless argument.)

Joe: You've pulled that Batman card so many times in this tournament... But I can't argue with it here. Plus, I heard on Colbert last night that Hamm has a huge Johnson, so I concede.

Now, here is our updated bracket heading into the championship match between The Rock and Jon Hamm.