Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Gambling Your Way Through Sports Purgatory

Are you willing to gamble on bikini basketball?

By Joe Parello  @HerewegoJoe

Summer can be great.

The sun is out, I finally get to wear my neon yellow muscle shirt in public (You're welcome) and everyone just seems happier.

There's only one problem: We're stuck in American sports purgatory.

If you're a sports fan, you know exactly what I mean. The rest of the year we can pretty much count on at least two major sports leagues playing, with the promise of at least semi-significant games on the horizon. Think about October when you can choose between the NFL, college football, NBA and playoff baseball.

But this time of year, we've got one thing going on: Early season baseball. As a Marlins/Pirate fans, I don't need to tell you that baseball isn't worth watching until your team is in the playoff hunt come August. Jeez, we're even about to hit the All Star break, the most boring part of a boring season.

And this year matters are even worse, because the sports Gods haven't thrown us a World Cup or Summer Olympics to pretend we care about. What is a sports fan to do until college football kicks off on Labor Day weekend?

Well, don't worry, I've got you covered with a few gambling propositions that should get you through purgatory and into the promised land of fall sports.

Fantasy Gold Cup

I know this sounds like the name of a low-end gentlemen's club, but it's actually a game you can play involving U.S. Soccer in international competition. Normally I would advise against playing fantasy games with a sport that almost always ends 1-0, but did you see America blow out Belize 6-1?

First of all, I didn't even know Belize has sports, but second of all, that's the soccer equivalent of beating somebody 70-14 in football. With those kind of numbers, this fantasy game just might serve as a suitable replacement for Fantasy World Cup Ponytails.

As for the tournament itself, it will probably come down to the U.S. and Mexico. After the Mexicans knocked off America in the Rose Bowl in 2011, U.S. goalie Tim Howard was less than pleased that the public address announcer did all of the post game awards and remarks in Spanish. Should be an interesting game if these two meet again in the final at Chicago's Soldier Field on July 28th.

Over/Under Aaron Hernandez Cold Cases

Ever since Aaron Hernandez was arrested and charged with the murder of semi-pro football player Odin Lloyd, we've been finding out that the guy may or may not have shot someone every month for the last six years.

First there was the revelation that a man had sued Hernandez for shooting him in the head outside of a South Florida strip club (Not called Fantasy Gold Cup, unfortunately). The civil case was thrown out on a technicality, but refiled just after Hernandez' arrest in the Lloyd case. The man bringing the case has lost an eye and holds Hernandez responsible.

Later, we found out that Hernandez was initially identified as the gunman in a 2007 shooting near the campus of the University of Florida in Gainesville. The victim ID'd Hernandez as the man that shot him in the head, but then mysteriously withdrew his identification of the tight end (Along with former UF safety Reggie Nelson whom the victim claimed was also at the scene) and Hernandez never answered any questions about the incident. The Gainesville Police Department considers it an ongoing investigation.

And, somewhere in between those two, there were reports of Hernandez' possible connection to a double-homicide in Boston. So the question is, how many more cold cases this summer will we discover Aaron Hernandez was somehow involved in? My over/under is 1.5, because I feel like it's almost a sure thing there's going to be at least one more. But, if you take the over and call whether said court cases took place in Florida or New England, I think you should get double your money back.

Bikini Basketball Pick'Em

If you couldn't get enough of Lingerie Football (They actually changed the name to the Legends Football League), then you're going to love bikini basketball! Yes, on the (six-inch) heels of the remarkable success of the LFL(Only sorta kidding), the BBA has tipped off this year, and the only thing better than watching girls jump around in bikinis is putting money on it.

There are four teams in the league, and the Miami Spice have shot out of the gate to a 2-0 start, while the Las Vegas Fantasy (A team whose logo is a unicorn with a rainbow mane) are the league's only winless team at 0-2. Sitting in between are the Illinois Heart and Houston Inferno at 1-1.

I think it goes without saying that, if Miami wants to go down as one of the best teams in the history of the BBA, they will need huge performances down the stretch from star forward Tina Caccavale. Still, haters gonna hate, and many have called into question her place in the BBA's storied (Month long) history.

I would put my money down on the Spice, who have a great chance to run the table. They are beating opponents by an average of over 20 points per game, while posting more picture of themselves clubbing than playing ball on their Facebook page. Should they win out, they will undoubtably go down as the greatest team in BBA history, since I pretty much see no way this league survives another year.

Oh, and buckle up, because there is a bikini hockey league. Gonna be a bit nippy.


Anonymous said...

Oh Joe. Guess you know your audience!

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