Sunday, July 14, 2013

Studs and Duds: The Butt Fumble Is Still A Thing, Apparently

This pass was probably intercepted.
By Jeremy Conlin and Joe Parello

Studs and Duds is a weekly feature on Suite Sports. Who had a good week? Who had a bad week?


Sports in Matters of Life and Death

Sports can serve as the ultimate distraction, and in the last week fans have used them to cope with matters of life and death.

First, there was Scott Entsminger, a guy that wrote a song each year about the Cleveland Browns, then sent it to the team along with some advice for the upcoming season. Being a Cleveland fan may be a miserable life, but this guy found a way to have fun with it in death, as his will stated the following:

"He respectfully requests six Cleveland Browns pall bearers so the Browns can let him down one last time."

Last Will and Testament Burn!

Then, there was the case of 12-year old Grant Reed, a huge Ohio State Buckeye fan that was diagnosed with cancer and endured a 16.5 hour surgery  to remove a brain tumor, not to mention months of chemotherapy, and an inability to move his left side after the surgery.

After weeks of occupational and speech therapy, Reed emerged ready to begin the 7th grade next fall. So, how did he beat cancer? Well, he named it Michigan.

Much like the Buckeyes in recent years, young Grant beat the ever-loving crap out of Michigan, bringing great joy to his Ohio State grad parents. His father Troy gave the good news after his son's final chemo session.

"Our prognosis is very good," Troy said. "It shows that he has indeed beat Michigan."


Mikhail Prokhorov 

The dude is a crazy Russian billionaire NBA owner, so he's already got a leg up on just about everybody.
This week though, he really threw the hammer down. After Andrei Kirilenko opted out of his $10 million contract with the Timberwolves, he was coveted by many high-profile teams offering to pay most of or all of their mid-level exception for multiple years (four years, $24 million would be the maximum). Instead, Kirilenko decided to sign with his countryman for the low, low price of $6.3 million over two years.

This has drawn the ire of many executives around the league, who have made comments to the effect that Prokhorov must be paying Kirilenko in under-the-table rubles. But regardless of that, AK47 will play in Brooklyn next season.


Ben Roethlisberger

You remember Ben Roethlisberger, right? He's the two-time Super Bowl winning quarterback that suddenly became worse than Joe Flacco and a bunch of rookies because he was nicked up by injuries and his supporting cast regressed. Okay, passive aggressive mini-rants aside, Ben will reach a milestone this season, as he is set to become the first $100 Million NFL player to actually earn $70 Million of his massive contract.

Yes, the NFL currently has eight $100 Million men, but since NFL contracts aren't guaranteed, it's hard to actually earn the entirety of that money. Case in point, former Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb earned $69 Million of a mega contract before being cut, and that's been as far as any player has gotten into one of these deals.

Mike Vick decided to fight dogs the first time he signed a $100 Million deal in Atlanta, and then he decided to suck the second time around in Philly. While I wouldn't bet against guys like Drew Brees and Aaron Rodgers earning the majority of their money, can you really see Bills pass rusher Mario Williams playing at an elite level that much longer?

It's also worth noting that players usually get these monster contracts after winning a Super Bowl or becoming All Pros. Thus, they usually regress after their best season for the rest of the life of the contract. But Roethlisberger, when healthy, has actually improved since signing his deal, and he is also the only quarterback in NFL history to win a Super Bowl (XLIII) while playing under a $100 Million contract.

I mean, he's still scum, but that's all pretty impressive.


Andre Drummond

For those of you who don't have unhealthy obsessions with the NBA and possess a life, dignity, and/or self-respect, the NBA has two summer leagues every year, one in Orlando and one is Las Vegas. I, being me, watched every minute of every game. Drummond, being Drummond, averaged 15.5 points, 14.8 rebounds, 2.5 steals, and 2.0 blocks in his four games in Orlando.

Granted, it's summer league, but he looked like the most dominant physical force on an NBA court not named "LeBron." It was like watching young Shaq. When he catches the ball in the paint it's not even worth it to try to defend the rim, he's going to dunk anyway.

He still hasn't put it all together yet. He's a miserable free throw shooter, his conditioning is a bit poor, and for all of his physical gifts he doesn't have the firmest grasp on the intricacies of NBA defense. As a result, he'll likely only play about 24 minutes per game this coming season (competing for minutes with Greg Monroe and Josh Smith won't help either), but as soon as his game develops polish he'll be the most dominant big man in the league. It's a question of when, not if.


Rob Gronkowski

You probably wouldn't think of All Pro tight end/caveman Rob Gronkowski as the readin' type, but he just released a book entitled "Growing Up Gronk" about his family's ability to breed giant men with giant foreheads that break things. One can only assume the book begins something like "ever since Gronk was a little Gronk, Gronk wanted to be a big Gronk."

Among the juicy secrets in the book, we find out that Rob has a brother named Goose and… Well, I haven't read it, but I'm sure there's some really insightful stuff in there.



The Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars are contemplating showing the NFL Redzone channel on their new video board. Yes, the team is basically conceding that nobody wants to watch their game. So, if you buy a ticket to see the Jags, you will now get to watch every scoring play from around the rest of the league, on a huge HD video screen, for free!

Considering how unwatchable the Jags have been lately, this isn't a bad idea.


The Dallas Mavericks

First this:
Then this:
But then this:
And this:
And finally this:


Brazilian Soccer Fans

So, you obviously want to go to Brazil for the 2014 World Cup and 2016 Summer Olympics, right? I mean, there's warm weather, beautiful women (although I hear some of them are dudes) and Carnival, what's not to like?

Well, you may want to avoid some of the more intense spectators after an incident that occurred in Brazil last week.

It began with referee Otavio da Silva expelling Josenir Abreu from a game over the weekend. The two got into a fight, and Silva took out a knife and stabbed Abreu, who died on the way to the hospital. Then, Abreu's friends and family, along with other fans, immediately stormed the field and stoned the referee to death.

They then quartered his body (That's chopping it into four equal pieces for those that, like me, had never heard that term before) and decapitated him, putting his head on a spike in the middle of the field.

Jeez, that's like an episode of Game of Thrones! Maybe I'll skip the World Cup…


Championship Ring Makers

Former Florida State offensive lineman Menelik Watson helped lead the Seminoles to an ACC championship and Orange Bowl win last season, and he will get three championship rings for his trouble. One for the ACC title, one for winning the Orange Bowl, and of course, one for winning the SEC.

Wait, what?

Yep, that's right, the company that makes championship rings for FSU is apparently working their employees way too hard because, when Watson received his ring, it said "2012 SEC Champions" just above the section that said FSU beat Georgia Tech 21-15 (To be fair, maybe he thought it was Florida beating Georgia.... wait, they're both in the SEC East, this guy was just drunk).

Watson has confirmed that the company will send him a new, corrected ring, but also that he's going to hold onto the first one. After all, Florida State practically wins the ACC every other year, but he's now the first Nole to take home some SEC hardware. And we all know the SEC is the only conference that matters.


I Don't Even Know Anymore

The Butt Fumble

At first I thought Mark Sanchez' butt fumble reaching 32-weeks on SportsCenter's "Worst of the Worst" segment was an obvious dud, but the more I think about it, the sheer ineptitude and reception of that play is just amazing. Add in the hatred that people seem to have for Sanchez, and it's hard to see something knocking it from the top of the "Not Top 10" in fan voting any time soon.

They may have to treat this the way TRL used to treat the latest Backstreet Boys/*NSYNC video and retire it so somebody else can have a chance.


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