Wednesday, March 19, 2014

March Mascot Melee™: Round One of the NFL Bracket

Steely McBeam is just the worst.
By Joe Parello  @HerewegoJoe

We got our mascot tournament going yesterday with the top mascots from the MLB and the NBA.

Today, we bust out the big guns and tackle the hardest hitting mascots in the National Football League. Check out our bracket below.

Click to enlarge
Left Out: Philadelphia Eagles, Washington Redskins, Arizona Cardinals, San Francisco 49ers, Seattle Seahawks, Denver Broncos, Kansas City Chiefs, Green Bay Packers, Baltimore Ravens, Cleveland Browns, Pittsburgh Steelers, Atlanta Falcons, New Orleans Saints, Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts.

Again, I don't like birds, even sorta scary ones, and again, I won't use Native American mascots. The 49ers are old prospectors, certainly not very intimidating, and I'm not as high on horse mascots as others might be.

The Packers, Browns, Steelers and Texans might be the four lamest mascots in American professional sports, and how could a Saint fight anybody? Wouldn't they lose their Sainthood if that happened?

I don't want to be responsible for that.

Now, on to the teams that made our field.

1. Tennessee Titans vs 16. San Diego Chargers

Titans are giant, mythical creatures that ruled Earth before the Olympic Gods. The Chargers, I believe, were supposed to be superchargers, like you put in your car to make it faster. But they then sorta got a lightning bolt kinda thing going on…

Either way, they lose.

Winner: Titans

8. Oakland Raiders vs 9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

This is what we call in the biz, a pick'em. These are basically just two different kinds of marauders, but I'll let Wikipedia take it away with their description of a Buccaneer.

"The term buccaneer is now used generally as a synonym for pirate. Originally, buccaneer crews were larger, more apt to attack coastal cities, and more localized to the Caribbean than later pirate crews who sailed to the Indian Ocean on the Pirate Round in the late 17th century.

Boom! Larger and more apt! Caribbean! Suck it pirates! Oh wait, these are Raiders. Like, of the lost ark? Either way, I like the word "buccaneer" better, so I'm going with it.

Winner: Buccaneers

4. Detroit Lions vs 13. St. Louis Rams

This is pretty much a lion preying on a lamb. A tough one with big horns, but still.

Winner: Lions

5. Jacksonville Jaguars vs 12. Cincinnati Bengals

I'll let you read some random guy's overly detailed breakdown of this potential battle from Yahoo Answers.

Sure, good enough for me.

Winner: Bengals

2. NY Giants vs 15. Miami Dolphins

Dolphins are brilliant creatures that can communicate and plan coordinated attacks. They're like raptors, only raptors that swim and feed on tiny fish.

Still, I don't think this lovable aquatic mammal has much of a chance against a Giant. Sorry Flipper.

Winner: Giants

7. Dallas Cowboys vs 10. Buffalo Bills

We need to decide just watt the hell Buffalo's mascot is. Is it an actual Buffalo, as their helmets suggest, or is it the legendary cowboy and showman Buffalo Bill Cody?

Oh hell, it doesn't really matter, a band of cowboys would kill either one.

Winner: Cowboys

3. Chicago Bears vs 14. New England Patriots

Who is the most patriotic American you know of?

Bill O'Reilly, of course.

Now picture him fighting a bear.

You're welcome.

Winner: Bears

6. Minnesota Vikings vs 11. NY Jets

The Jets are an intriguing 11-seed, because a fully fueled jet is pretty formidable, but there are a few questions: Who's flying the jet? Is it a commercial jet, or is it a military aircraft?

Is it Starscream from Transformers?

Holy hell, the Jets could run through the whole tournament if that were the case!

Well, I'm just going with a random commercial plane sitting there with no pilot, so I'll take the Vikings.

Winner: Vikings

Here's our updated NFL bracket heading into the second round.

Click to enlarge

No comments :