Thursday, March 7, 2013

March Man Crushes: The Brady Bracket

By Joe Parello

With The Rock Bracket and Timberlake Bracket in the books so far, the Suite 16 is coming up quick. We continue today with the The Brady Bracket, named for New England's three-time Super Bowl winning quarterback.

But this bracket isn't all about Tommy boy, his teammate Rob Gronkowski figures to be a tough out, as does hip hop mogul Jay-Z and movie studs Will Smith, Matt Damon and Ryan Gosling.

So, without further ado, let's make our way through the first two rounds of The Brady Bracket.

Round One

1. Tom Brady vs 16. Shia LeBouf

My God. This has to be the biggest mismatch in the whole damn field, right? How did LeBouf even make this tournament? Jeremy!!!! Who on Earth could have a man crush on a kid from Even Stevens that had a hand in ruining Indiana Jones? I mean, I get that Steven Spielberg has a total boner for him, but still.

Winner: Tom Brady

8. Charlie Sheen vs 9. T-Pain

This is a tricky one, because both are cool in their seemingly large lack of self-awareness, at least early on. Charlie Sheen didn't know until recently that he was totally insane, and T-Pain didn't seem to understand that he was a joke until his second album. Now, they each embrace those things, making them even cooler.

I know T-Pain is younger, but I'm going with Sheen for his ability to still hang out with porn stars in his late 40s.

Winner: Charlie Sheen

4. Stephen Colbert vs 13. Ryan Lochte

Ryan Lochte is your typical jock D-Bag bro, but the problem is that nobody cares about his sport for 3.9 out of every four years. His mother has also commented on his sexual promiscuity (ew) and he still lives in Gainesville nearly a decade after graduating from the University of Florida.

For those reasons, satirical late night host Stephen Colbert gets the nod. Oh yeah, and Colbert has a bridge in some eastern European country named after him. Or something like that.

Winner: Stephen Colbert

5. Rob Gronkowski vs 12. Louis C.K.

Oh Gronk, you're the Lochte that plays a real sport! But oh no, what have we done? Gronk is set to be a sniper in this tournament, and we just gave him a free trip to the second round! Louis is a funny dude, but any guy would rather get Gronked.

Winner: Rob Gronkowski

6. Matt Damon vs 11. Bryce Harper

Bryce Harper is popular with the ladies and an exceptional young baseball talent, but he also has this petulant child vibe to him. Damon, on the other hand, is one of the most bankable names in Hollywood, and a pretty good looking mofo himself.

Winner: Matt Damon

3. Will Smith vs 14. Michael Bay

Bay made his directorial debut in Bad Boys with Smith as his lead man. Now, the two battle for man crush superiority… How ironic.

Well, not really, but Bay is probably the most man crush-worthy director in all of Hollywood. He just makes crazy movies where he blows shit up, and they pay him tons of money to do it. That's pretty cool.

But even cooler is getting to star in said crazy movies where shit blows up, and also get paid a ton of money to do it. Heck, even when Will Smith makes a really crappy movie, it still makes money. Baller.

Winner: Will Smith

7. Ryan Gosling vs 10. Bill Simmons

Ok, this is a pretty big mismatch too. While any sports writing nerd would love to have Simmons' career, there is no way you wouldn't give up both your pinky toes to be Ryan Gosling for a day.

Winner: Ryan Gosling

2. Jay-Z vs 15. John Calipari

Coach Cal is pretty cool, and he's totally down with the kids today. Either that, or he just pays them and is down with shady agents. But, the kids today are still trying to be down with Jay-Z, and Jigga man has this pretty attractive wife named Beyonce.

Winner: Jay-Z

Round Two

1. Tom Brady vs 8. Charlie Sheen

Brady cruises into the Suite 16. Not much else to say.

Winner: Tom Brady

4. Stephen Colbert vs 5. Rob Gronkowski

I love Colbert, in fact, he's my favorite late night personality. But this is the Gronk we're talking about. This guy does stupid wrestling dance moves in Vegas while injured, and dances shirtless after losing the Super Bowl.


Winner: Rob Gronkowski

3. Will Smith vs 6. Matt Damon

Two of the most bankable guys in Hollywood, and if you haven't seen Matt Damon's portrayal of himself on House of Lies from a couple weeks ago, definitely google that noise. It was hilarious.

But, you're gonna need to bring a lot to knock Big Willie Style out of this tournament, and Damon doesn't quite have it. The Fresh Prince moves on!

Winner: Will Smith

2. Jay-Z vs 7. Ryan Gosling

You know I need to throw a wrench in the gears somewhere, and here it is. While Jay-Z may be the most powerful man in hip hop (May be, it's debatable), Ryan Gosling has the incredible ability to make your girlfriend swoon, and you still like him. That's just God-given talent right there.

Winner: Ryan Gosling

So, here is our revised Brady Bracket heading into the Suite 16.