Tuesday, March 5, 2013

March Man Crushes: The Rock Bracket

By Joe Parello

And so it begins.

The March Man Crush tournament is officially underway, and today we will narrow down the 16-man Rock Bracket to just the four bro kings that have made our Sweet 16. Here is a breakdown of all the matchups in The Rock Bracket.

Round One

1. The Rock vs 16. Michael Bolton

No 16 seed has ever knocked off a 1 seed in the NCAA tournament, and I wouldn't expect that to happen in March Man Crushes either. While Michael Bolton did make the ladies' hearts melt in his 90s prime, The Rock's current run as WWE champion and box office sensation allows him to easily cruise past the "When a Man Loves a Woman" star.   
Winner: The Rock

8. Jon Bon Jovi vs 9. Rafael Nadal

These 8 vs 9 matchups are always tough to call, and this might be the toughest one in the entire field. In their primes, both of these guys thrilled crowds internationally with vibrant swagger and, of course, awesome long hair. Now, Bon Jovi's music has kind of sucked for the last half decade but that doesn't change the fact that he's a damn institution.

Still, when healthy, Rafael Nadal is the hottest ticket in tennis, and his ability to pull of man-capris pushes him just past the musical icon into the second round.
Winner: Rafael Nadal

4. Ben Affleck vs 13. PSY

You could argue that PSY had the best year of anybody in the music industry last year, when his smash hit "Gangum Style" netted him a reported $60 million. That being said, Ben Affleck's recent award run as a director and star of the film Argo certainly pushes him up the Hollywood totem pole. Also, he has been selected to direct Warner Bros. depiction of the Stephen King novel "The Stand." Only directing a remake of "Cujo" could make this guy any hotter.
Winner: Ben Affleck

5. Justin Bieber vs 12. Patrick Kane

Don't take this as an insult to hockey… But there's no way a hockey player, even a ladies man like Kane, can take out the Biebs. In Kane's defense, he is one of the best American-born hockey players in the world, starring in a great hockey town. He also once punched a cab driver in the face for not having proper change.

I think every man can agree, that's pretty awesome.

Still, the Biebs is young and the hottest act in pop. This isn't even really a contest.
Winner: Justin Bieber

6. Drake vs 11. Daniel Tosh

This is a tricky one, because few people could have foreseen just how popular Tosh's show, which basically just shows videos from the internet you've already seen, would become.

But, Drake is one of the biggest acts in rap, has been romantically tied to Rihanna (And by romantically tied, I mean that he did her), and his entourage got in a big fight with Chris Brown's entourage that one time. The fact that he wasn't involved in that fight himself may come back to bite him in later rounds, but for now it's enough to make Tosh.0'fer this tournament.
Winner: Drake

3. Kanye West vs 14. Antonio Cromartie

Kanye is the biggest thing in hip hop, both as a rapper and producer, and he knocked up Kim Kardashian. But, if this contest is about knocking chicks up, it will be hard to beat Cromartie.

The Jets cornerback has fathered 12 children with eight different women in six different states. Ok, maybe that's not very man crush-worthy. Kanye to the second.
Winner: Kanye West

7. Usher vs 10. Bradley Cooper

The movie stars are clearly the power conference, because it's hard to think of Bradley Cooper beating Usher, even if he's seeded lower, being an upset. The Coop broke out in The Hangover, but showed he can actually sort of act this year in Silver Linings Playbook.

Meanwhile, Usher has been steadily reinventing himself and his sound since his solo debut in 1994. Now, the 34-year old R&B star is still in the spotlight, set to serve as a new coach on the next season of NBC's The Voice.

This is a total gut feeling, but I'm going with the Coop. He's just done more recently, and I would really like to party with his character in The Hangover. Sorry Usher.
Winner: Bradley Cooper

2. LeBron James vs Bruno Mars

Haha, child please. Best athlete on the planet vs the "Just the Way You Are" guy? Not even close, LBJ into the second round easily.
Winner: LeBron James

Round Two

1. The Rock vs 9. Rafael Nadal

These are two of the most electrifying men in sports entertainment, but injuries have slowed Nadal while The Rock has conquered both the squared circle and Hollywood. With upcoming blockbusters like Pain and Gain and Fast and Furious 6, plus a WWE championship match at Wrestlemania, I'll take the Brahma Bull.
Winner: The Rock

4. Ben Affleck vs 5. Justin Bieber

Oh man, now we're getting to the tough ones. While the Biebs is the biggest act in pop, it's hard to have a true man crush on someone that looks like they're 11. So, for that reason, I'm going with the handsome movie star that's married to Jennifer Garner. Tough call, I know.
Winner: Ben Affleck

3. Kanye West vs 6. Drake

This hip-hop battle royale looks like a tough choice at first glance, but when you really think about it, it's not even close. Kanye is the bigger star a dozen times over, is in a high-profile relationship and hangs out with Jay-Z (instead of Lil Wayne, ew). The other big factor is that Lil Wayne made a Drake a star, but Kanye is at the point where he is making other people stars. Like a boss.
Winner: Kanye West

2. LeBron James vs 10. Bradley Cooper

The Coop can put up a fight with anybody, but at the end of the day, he's just another pretty Hollywood face. LeBron does things no other human on the planet can do, so I gotta go with my man LBJ.
Winner: LeBron James

So, here is our revised Rock Bracket heading into the Suite 16.