Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Suite 16: Part II

By Jeremy Conlin

Joe kicked us off with the first half of the Suite 16 yesterday in our continuing coverage of March Man Crush Madness. I'm here with the second half, covering the next round from The Leo Bracket and The JT Bracket. Here we go:

The JT Bracket - Round 3

1. Justin Timberlake vs. 5. Robert Downey, Jr.

Robert Downey Jr. has a semi-flimsy argument that he is the most bankable actor in Hollywood right now. He was the first-billed actor in the highest-grossing film of 2012 (The Avengers), had another movie that grossed $500 million in 2011 (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows - Quick aside, it absolutely blew my mind that this movie made $500 million, mostly considering I haven't met a single person who has seen it), and in 2010 had a comedy (Due Date) that grossed $200 million (a big deal). Going back further, Iron Man, Iron Man 2, and Sherlock Holmes (the first one) all grossed over $500 million. I don't have numbers for every actor, so obviously this isn't even remotely scientific, but I'd say it's very possible that RDJ's films have earned more at the box office since 2008 (the year Iron Man came out) than any other actor out there. The only other ones that come to mind are Sam Worthington (and that's only because of a ridiculous leg up thanks to Avatar) and someone else that I'll get to later on in the bracket (hint: he played Batman twice).

Regardless, Downey Jr. is, at worst, one of the five biggest sure things working right now.

JT, on the other hand, is THE sure thing in EVERYTHING. He burst onto the acting scene (seewutididthere?) in The Social Network (which was robbed of the Best Picture Oscar in one of the greatest Oscar travesties of all time), carried a horrific comedy (Bad Teacher), helped carry a surprisingly not-terrible rom-com (Friends With Benefits - legitimately the Godfather Part II of crappy rom-coms), and banked $170 million for In Time, a movie that absolutely, positively should have been terrible, but wasn't. They may not make as much money as Downey Jr's do, but they're entertaining when by all rights they shouldn't be. In the meantime, he's been destroying Saturday Night Live every time he's appeared (including this past weekend), and he's dropping the most anticipated album since Watch The Throne on Friday.

Let's not kid ourselves. JT is JT because he's JT. He's moving on.

Winner: Justin Timberlake

2. George Clooney vs. 6. Cristiano Ronaldo

For me, this is pretty simple - Cristiano Ronaldo is an international soccer star who is famous everywhere in the world... except the United States. Don't get me wrong, people know who Ronaldo is here, but they just don't really care. Cristiano Ronaldo could walk into a Starbucks in Fargo and nobody would notice. If George Clooney walks into that same Starbucks, it would be like North Korea just nuked that entire state. People would lose their mother[expletive deleted]ing minds.

Can Ronaldo do that in Ibiza? Of course. But so can Clooney. Clooney transcends race, culture, and religion. Clooney could probably solve the Arab-Israeli conflict if he smiled for long enough.

Winner: George Clooney

The Leo Bracket - Round 3

8. Jon Hamm vs. 5. Barack Obama

Would I rather be Don Draper, or the Leader of the Free World?

My answer, of course, is "yes."

But if I was forced to pick just one? It's not as quick a decision as you might think. Yes, Barack Obama is POTUS. That's just a cool title to have. However, that title comes with approximately one metric bajillaton of responsibilities. The dude works 180-hour weeks, and there are only 168 hours in a week. I'll bet the CIA has some secret gizmo that allows him to negotiate armistice agreements in his sleep (or maybe he can do that even without the CIA - maybe he's just THAT cool).

Jon Hamm, meanwhile, gets to be on set, drink fake scotch all day, drink real scotch all night, play fantasy football, play in the MLB All-Star celebrity softball game, and then go back to the set and BE DON DRAPER. Seriously. Don Draper. The POTUS title comes with suffocating responsibility. If you screw up, the world might not be here tomorrow. If Jon Hamm screws up being Don Draper, they call cut and he does it again. No contest.

Winner: Jon Hamm

10. Prince vs. 11. Christian Bale

I spent a lot of time riding the Prince bandwagon in my last installment, and for good reason. Prince is awesome.

However, Prince, for all of his awesome, is not Batman. There are a select few things that can trump Batman. Prince is not one of them.

Winner: Christian Bale

So here's the bracket, completed past the Suite Sixteen, down to the Eluite Eight. Alright, fine, I won't force it. Elite 8: