Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Are You Actually Ready for Some Football?

The most fabulously conservative country music star out there.
By Joe Parello  @HerewegoJoe

With our extensive college football preview in the books, and our NFL preview on the horizon, I thought it would be an appropriate time to make sure you're actually ready for football season.

Of course, I now have to ask the question, since Hank Williams Jr. compared Obama to Hitler, but "are you ready for some football?" is more than a catchy tune, it's a mindset.

You need a few things to truly be prepared for football season, and keep in mind that your favorite team's success will largely hinge on how you cheer for them.

Your Lucky Charm that Never Fails… Except When it Does

We've all had one of these. As a Steelers fan, I have a bunch of Terrible Towels, but there's that ONE lucky towel that I always bust out when the team is in a funk. It's the towel I bought just before the Steelers began their run to the Super Bowl in 2008, and if anything can change Pittsburgh's fortunes, it's that towel dammit!

Of course, it didn't do the team much good last year when they lost five of their last seven to miss the playoffs, but that's just because I didn't wash it properly. Or maybe I shouldn't have washed it because that rinsed off the luck… Or maybe I should wash it after every loss but not after wins…

Either way, the damn towel works when I get it right.

You're Not Expecting Too Much… But This Team Could Really Surprise People

You've been realistic all offseason. You know that Ben Roethlisberger and Troy Polamalu can't stay healthy, and you know Heath Miller's status is iffy, and you know that defense is seemingly aging at an exponential rate… But as the season gets closer, it just seems like they still might surprise people, ya know?

I mean, I'm not getting my hopes up, but if things break right and a few young guys step up, why not?

Pretty much every team that isn't a preseason Super Bowl favorite has its entire fan base thinking this right now. Oh sure, the Browns have only won 10 games once since coming back to the NFL in 1999, but I really think they can shock some people this year. After all, the Steelers are old, the Ravens are rebuilding, and Cincinnati has a red head at quarterback.

Why can't Cleveland sneak into the playoffs?

This is Our Year… The Signs Are Everywhere

Our team may not have a whole lot of talent, but there have been some really good vibes coming out of training camp. I mean, Ryan Tannehill completed some slant passes to Mike Wallace, so those guys seem to be developing a great bond, and Daniel Thomas has looked great in non-contact practices. I'm really feeling some positive mojo building for the Dolphins this year.

Oh, and did I mention they changed uniforms? I don't think I need to tell you what changing uniforms did for Tampa Bay and New England in the early 2000s, nor do I need to remind you that a slightly remodeled animal logo recently returned Seattle to prominence!

And the 1972 Dolphins are FINALLY heading to the White House! Because hearing Mercury Morris ramble on about perfection and watching those old farts pop champagne every freaking year isn't enough. It's a sign I tell ya! Expect big things from the Phins in 2013!

Pick the Proper Game Day Apparel

This is always a tough one, and it only gets harder as you get older. When you're a kid, it's just a matter of which jersey you're gonna wear. When you become a d-bag high school/college student, you then get some trendy soft t-shirts that look really old but aren't. Personally, those are my favorite, but that's neither here nor there.

Now, I'm kind of stuck in apparel limbo, where I feel a little dumb wearing  a jersey not at a stadium. I mean, I'm trying to be a grown person here, and I'm essentially wearing a football player Halloween costume as a part of my everyday routine. That seems a little silly.

But I also feel like I'm a little too young to sport the team polo. Now, if you were a frat brother in the south, you get to start wearing those team polos a lot younger, and somehow you don't feel like a 66-year old special teams assistant, or a wealthy old guy playing golf with the Rooney family.

I'm just not there yet.

For me it's still jersey or t-shirt, but which one? You need to either have a fly throwback jersey/shirt, or the jersey of a good player, but not that same one everybody has. So you can't get that Tom Brady or Rob Gronkowski jersey, noob, you need to invest in a… Uh… Actually, I may have to rethink my AFC predictions, because I just don't think anybody else on the Patriots is any good.

Wait, Wes Wel... No, Aaron Her... Um, Stevan Ridley? Rob Ninkovich? Danny Amendola?

Wait, Vince Wilfork! Or how about Logan Mankins?

No, don't get a big fat guy's jersey, because they have fat guy numbers that make you look fat. Ok, you're on your own on this one Patriots fans. 


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