Friday, March 28, 2014

What Should You City's Mascot Be?

You mean to tell me that the honorable Jaguar "Jaxson de Ville" doesn't represent Jacksonville well? That's a shame, because I couldn't come up with anything better.
By Joe Parello (@HerewegoJoe)

I wanted to take a quick break from the brutality that is March Mascot Melee™ to discuss potential team nicknames.

My buddy Alex commented on our NFL Bracket Round Two story, criticizing certain team mascots and claiming that a team's nickname should have something to do with its city.

Here's some of what he said, with a few typos included.

"A team's nickname and macot should have some relation to the location of the team. Jaaguars are not indigenous to Jacksonville, nor are titans to Tennessee. Alliteration is not a good enough excuse to pick a completely random team name."

Fair enough sir, and you've inspired me.

What would each city's team name be if we added another major sport, and we couldn't choose any of the names already used in a given city? For example, the Yankees describe New York pretty well, but that little baseball team uses it.

Well, here's my best shot at naming each major market's teams based off my shallow stereotypes. Note that I have listed these by television market, so the Bay Area is grouped together, as are New York and Brooklyn, and so on. Plus, certain teams go by state names (ex. Florida Panthers, Texas Rangers, Minnesota Vikings), so I have listed those state names next to the market they most closely represent.

Finally, I just stuck Green Bay in with Milwaukee, because Green Bay is tiny and stupid.

Here's the list, and remember to put a "the" in front of each name.

New York/Brooklyn: Crowds
Los Angeles/Anaheim: Highways
Chicago: Deep Dish
Philadelphia: Cream Cheese
Dallas/Texas: People With Money that Still Wear Ridiculous Hats
San Francisco/Oakland/San Jose: Tech Startups
Boston: "Just as Good as New York"-ers
Atlanta: Kings of Crunk
Washington: Filibusters
Houston: Apollos
Detroit: Depression
Phoenix/Arizona: Phoenicians
Tampa Bay: Strippers
Seattle: Flannel
Minneapolis/Minnesota: Delivery Liquor Stores
Miami/Florida: Trophy Wives
Cleveland: Fire River
Denver/Colorado: Clearly High Ski Instructors
Orlando: Crying Children
Sacramento: Taxers
St. Louis: Clydesdales
Portland: Hipsters
Pittsburgh: Ketchup
Charlotte/Carolina: Surprisingly Nice Airports
Indianapolis/Indiana: "Seriously, This is a Great Place to Live"-ers
Baltimore: Laced Crab Cakes
San Diego: Midshipmen
Nashville/Tennessee: Twerkin' Mileys
Kansas City: Overrated Barbecue
Columbus: Tattoo Shop Owners
Salt Lake City/Utah: Polygamists
Cincinnati: Riots
Milwaukee/Green Bay: Bratwursts
San Antonio: Riverwalkers
Oklahoma City: Tornadoes
Jacksonville: "Large Land Mass"-ers? Lynyrd Skynyrds? Limp Bizkits? That's all I got.
Memphis: Gospel
Buffalo: Wings
New Orleans: Vomiting Middle Aged Couples

1 comment :

Derek Bulthuis said...

I agree with your thoughts on Green Bay