Monday, June 30, 2014

Belgium vs America in Things Other Than Soccer

By Joe Parello (@HerewegoJoe)

Ok people, you know the deal. Just like last week against Germany, I am taking soccer completely out of the equation and determining whether the USA is superior to its next World Cup opponent off the pitch.

Without further ado, here is America vs Belgium in random things that popped into my head.

Actual Belgian Waffles vs IHOP's "Belgian Waffles"

IHOP has turned the Belgian Waffle into an absolute heart attack on a plate, with generous heapings of random fructose-laden sauces and syrups.

But, the Belgians have turned waffles into an art form, offering any flavor you want in smaller, holdable waffles that you can basically eat like cookies. I will never criticize the way IHOP does breakfast, but you just can't beat the real thing.

Winner: Belgie!
Score: 1-0 Belgium

Belgian Beer vs American Beer

Much like America's battle with the Germans, the Yanks don't stand a chance here. Sure, American craft beers are getting better, but you just can't compete with this random assortment of unpronounceable Belgian brews.

Winner: Belgie!
Score: 2-0 Belgium

The Belgian Revolution vs The American Revolution

Belgium gained its independence from the Netherlands mostly by rioting, and then later with the help of the French military.

America, on the other hand, went toe-to-toe with the greatest empire on Earth and beat those Red Coats so bad that their great, great, great, great grandkids are still all butthurt about it today!

Winner: USA!
Score: 2-1 Belgium

Elio Di Rupo vs Barack Obama

Di Rupo is Prime Minister of Belgium and the son of Italian immigrants. In fact, the former leader of the Belgian Socialist party is the only member of his family that was actually born in Belgium.

Similarly, Obama is a fascist, socialist, Muslim terrorist who won't show us his real birth certificate… Yeah, you can't beat that. #Brobama

Winner: USA!
Score: 2-2

Jean-Claude Van Damme vs Arnold Schwarzenegger

Before you start with me, no, Arnold was not born in America. But, he did compete as a bodybuilder representing the US of A, and it's hard to imagine his awkward combination of muscles and terrible acting would have been so popular anywhere else in the world.

JCVD, on the other hand, is a born and bred son of Belgium who turned a martial arts career into a series of starring roles in action flicks during the late 80s and early 90s.

But let's be honest, Arnold practically invented the "muscular guy we can't understand action hero" genre. Van Damme was always a wannabe, and for that, the Governator locks up ultimate victory for his adopted home.

Winner: USA!
Final Score: 3-2 America

So there you have it, once again America is superior, there can be no more debate. Let's just see if the US Men's National Team does a little bit better against Belgium than they did against Germany...

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