Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Germany vs America in Things Other than Soccer

By Joe Parello (@HerewegoJoe)

The United States Men's National Team is set to take on its biggest challenge yet tomorrow at noon against world soccer power Germany, but that's only a game, right?

Every four years, the world turns it attention to soccer as a means of proving which nation is superior, but surely there are other ways to tell which country is better. For instance, America is only 3-6 all time vs Germany in soccer, but we're currently 2-0 against them in World Wars.

So, we'll call it even after those two categories, but here are some other ways to determine which is the greatest nation in Group G, the United States of America or the Federal Republic of Germany.

German Cars vs American Cars

In the 60s and 70s you could have made a great case for American style and muscle over German engineering, but nowadays the Deutsch, with brands like BMW and Mercedes, are so far ahead of us, it isn't even funny.

Sorry Cadillac, imports are just better.

Point: Deutschland!  

Score: 1-0 Germany

German Beer vs American Beer

The US is actually closing the gap here with its recent craft beer movement, but on the whole, we're still the land of the macro-brew. When your country's beer drinking habits evoke images of Bug Light in red solo cups, as opposed to, you know, Oktoberfest, it's hard to win this category.

Add in the fact that Germany drinks the second most beer per person in the world (behind, surprise, the Irish), and you've gotta give it up to the Deutsch, they know their beer.

Point: Deutschland!  
Score: 2-0 Germany

The German Eagle vs The American Eagle

Wow, that's a tough call. On one hand, the German eagle is legitimately terrifying, but not very realistic looking. On the other hand, the American eagle isn't quite as scary, but it does look incredibly dignified and stern.

I feel like it would be disrespectful to all involved, especially American Eagle Outfitters, to pick a winner here.

Point: Tie.
Score: 2-0 Germany

Hamburg vs Hamburgers

Hamburg is the second largest city in Germany and a cultural hub of Europe, featuring over 60 museums and 100 music venues.

Hamburgers are, on the other hand, a symbol of American gluttony named for the aforementioned city, and are now mass-produced and contributing to America's obesity epidemic.

Point: USA!
Score: 2-1 Germany

99 Luftballons vs 99 Red Balloons

The former is an anti-nuclear war song by German pop band Nena, while the latter is a rock cover by the American band Goldfinger, featured in the movie Eurotrip.

The plot of the former is that a bunch of helium balloons are released in West Germany and float over the Berlin Wall, only to be picked up by the East German nuclear warning system, leading to nuclear war.

Only the Germans could make such a terrible story into a catchy song.

Point: Deutschland!

Score: 3-1 Germany

Martin Luther vs Martin Luther King Jr.

Both of these men changed the world in their time, and their impact is still being felt today.

That lasting impact is perhaps more impressive for Luther, who did most of his reforming in the 1500s, but did his battle against the Catholic Church lead to a Christian utopia in Germany?

Well, not really. In fact, the Eastern part of Germany is considered the "most Godless place on Earth," with Atheism practiced by the young and old, especially the young. One survey conducted in 2012 couldn't find a single East German under the age of 28 that believed in God.

West Germany isn't quite as Godless, but still features some of the highest "non-believer" numbers in the world.

Wow, good one Martin Luther!

While America's relationship with Civil Rights for all people isn't perfect, at least the legacy of MLK is still one that inspires people to do better, rather than having the exact opposite effect. I'll take our guy.

Point: USA! 
Score: 3-2 Germany 

Germany's Feelings for David Hasselhoff vs America's Feelings for David Hasselhoff

For some reason, Germany really likes David Hasselhoff, the former Baywatch star and occasional terrible musician. For every other conceivable reason, America enjoys his awful work ironically.

Point: USA! 
Score: 3-3

Germany's Use of Einstein's Genius vs America's Use of Einstein's Genius

Come on, who do you think this tie-breaker is going to? Einstein won a Nobel Prize in Germany in 1921, but then Uncle Adolf came into power while he was on vacay in the states, so he figured he'd just stay in America and tell FDR to start the Manhattan Project.

At least, that's how I think it went down. Either way, USA! USA! USA!

Point: USA!
Final Score: 4-3 America

So there you have it, America is better than Germany, the debate is over. But, I guess we'll humor the Germans and still play them in soccer tomorrow.

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