Sunday, February 7, 2016

Your 10 Favorite Super Bowl Moments

By Joe Parello (@HerewegoJoe)

Every few years, my birthday falls on Super Bowl Sunday.

Now, you would think the universe would reward me for this arbitrary fact by putting my beloved Steelers in the big game on those years, but we all know life isn't fair and that bad things happen to good people all the time.

But I digress.

Still, since I'm a good dude, and because it's the 50th anniversary of the Super Bowl, I've compiled my list of YOUR 10 favorite big game moments. Sure, I have my favorite memories, but this is about you, the reader.

So, without further ado, here are those 10 moments you'll never forget.

10. That Time Katy Perry Danced With Some Sharks

You can't really remember if it was left shark or right shark, but you remember one of those guys was HILARIOUS! I mean, they just did whatever they wanted, and it made no sense. How funny!

I like the cut of your jib, left/right shark!

9. That Time Tampa Bay Won the Super Bowl… You Think

You're not sure if you imagined this one year when you first started drinking alcohol, but you're pretty sure sometime around your sophomore or junior year of high school, the Bucs won the Super Bowl. The freaking Bucs?!?!

And you think they beat the Raiders. Or was it the Ravens? And wait, wasn't Brad Johnson the quarterback?

No way this shit actually happened. Next thing you're gonna tell me is Dexter Jackson is a Super Bowl MVP.

8. That Time the Refs Beat the Seahawks

Officially, it will go down as Pittsburgh winning its fifth title at Super Bowl XL, but you know better. Ben Roethlisberger wasn't in, right? There were so many holds called that weren't holds, and so many no-holds calls that were holds. And Pittsburgh threw the ball with a wide receiver at one point...

This was a total screw job, and everybody knows it!

7. That Time the Little White Dude From Buffalo Hustled a Lot

With Super Bowl XXVII well in hand for Dallas, Cowboys defensive tackle Leon Lett picked up a fumble and ran it back, seemingly ready to score another touchdown to further embarrass the scrappy Bills.

Not so fast my friend!

Out of nowhere came tiny white receiver Don Beebe, who knocked the ball out of Lett's hands just before the big bully crossed the goal line, leading to a touchback and Buffalo's ball.

Ultimately, the play was meaningless, as Dallas still won 52-17, but it made every small, unathletic white dude in America feel good for a minute, and reminded us all that fat people running, and failing, is still kinda funny.

6. That Time Hero Peyton Manning Finally Won a Championship

It felt great to watch Peyton Manning, long considered one of the best quarterbacks in the game, finally capture his first Super Bowl win against the Bears in Super Bowl XLI.

You're obviously hoping he rides off into the sunset with a victory tonight.

5. Those Times Ego-Maniac Peyton Manning Got What Was Coming To Him

Haha, that arrogant bastard! He actually thought he would beat nice guy Drew Brees and the Saints to get his second title? Seriously, this pompous jerk thought he was going to be in the discussion for "best ever." Then, with the game on the line, he throws a pick RIGHT TO some numb-nuts corner nobody had ever heard of.

Then, in an attempt to redeem himself, he FALLS APART against Seattle's defense in a year where he broke EVERY SINGLE PASSING RECORD. Stats don't win championships, glory boy!

You're obviously hoping he gets rocked tonight and retires in disgrace.

4. That Time Mike Jones Was Awesome

Mike Jones. Who? Mike Jones. Who? Mike Jones.

Oh, you mean that guy that tackled Kevin Dyson one yard short of the end zone in Super Bowl XXXIV? Yeah, nobody remembers him, they only remember the dude that came up short.

Well, now you'll remember him (for at least five minutes).

3. That Time Joe Montana Saw John Candy

During the final drive of Super Bowl XXIII, we were given a shining example of Joe Montana's legendary "coolness." Right before he led the 49ers on a 92-yard game winning drive, Montana looked up in the crowd and noticed move "star" John Candy.

He then said to everyone in the huddle, "hey, I think that's John Candy."

To which the always humorous Jerry Rice responded, "what's the play call Joe?!?! Holy s#!t, we're down by three in the freaking Super Bowl! Tell us about the fat guy from 'Stripes' later!"

2. That Time You Saw Janet Jackson's Tit for a Second

What a moment! I mean, it ruined a generation of kids by making them all perverts (or maybe that was the internet), but when this happened, you totally looked at the person next to you and said, "hey, was that her tit?" And they responded, "I think so."

History was made.

1. Those Times Tom Brady Lost

Just admit it. Unless your a Patriots fan, those times Tom Brady lost were awesome. In fact, if you've never seen your team win the Super Bowl, those two games were probably as close to "happy" as you've ever been on Super Bowl Sunday, especially Super Bowl XLII.

I mean, Tom had the greatest team in NFL history, and he lost to the Manning brother who was kicked in the head by a horse when he was little. And some dude named David Tyree made the most improbable catch in Super Bowl history to keep the Giants alive.

This was schadenfreude on a national level.

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