By Bob Lobel @boblobel
Dear David Ortiz,
I have a couple of observations you may not like to hear. Number one, you can now actually talk to phones, at least the smart ones. Or, if you prefer traditional dialing, simple finger pressure usually gets the job done. Excessive pressure, like that generated by a baseball bat, is counter productive.
Usually, that results in a wrong number. That number is preceded by a $ sign. The other issue resulting from texting while swinging is the party to whom you're trying to get attention from, aka the umpire! He will interpret your call as abusive and will report you to the other members of his craft.
This, no doubt, will result in across the board retribution, meaning more balls will be strikes and so on and so forth. Part of the code of conduct at Fenway includes telephone misuse. Fortunately for you this was in Baltimore, where there is no code of conduct. The whole sordid affair was exacerbated by the painful Amica pitch zone, which apparently has its own area code (it happens to be a secret).
