Friday, March 7, 2014

Revisiting Our March Man Crushes: Mistakes Were Made

By Joe Parello  @HerewegoJoe

For those of you new to the site, you may not be familiar with the man crush battle royal editor Jeremy Conlin and I did last year: March Man Crushes.

You can click here for the rules, but basically we seeded a tournament that featured 64 guys that are totally man crush-worthy, and had them duke it out to determine the Grand Man Crush.

In the end, my choice Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson prevailed over Jeremy's pick, Jon Hamm, for the title.

Clearly, those two choices show what each of us values in a man. Jeremy wants to be a suave, good looking, suit wearing dude that everyone knows is well endowed.

I, on the other hand, want to have big muscles, get oiled up with cocoa butter and smash people with chairs while wearing a Speedo.

Both are certainly great ideals to strive for.

Anyways, while Jeremy and I are in the process of coming up with a new tournament to do later this month, let's revisit some of the biggest mistakes, trends and surprises from last year's March Man Crushes.

Biggest Mistake: Prince over Johnny Manziel

At the time I thought this was just wrong, and in retrospect it's so much worse. Johnny Football was coming off a Heisman Trophy win, and doing whatever the hell he felt like during a party-packed off-season, while Prince was about to turn 55 and doing… Well, nothing of note.

I get that Prince WAS a huge star, but my man Jeremy gave him far too much credit to knock off Johnny Football. Personally, if I was picking that bracket, I may have had Manziel win the whole thing, as the top two seeds in the Leo bracket were very vulnerable.

As it went, Prince topped Joel McHale in the next round to qualify for the Suite 16, proving that Jeremy likes Prince way too much for some odd reason. PURPLE RAIN!

Biggest Surprise: Rob Gronkowski's Run to the Final Four

I got to pick Gronk's first few battles, and I would not let him be denied! He drew an easy one with Louis C.K. in the first round, but the competition ratcheted up as I had to choose between him and my favorite late-night personality, Stephen Colbert, in the second round.

In the Suite 16 he knocked off the top athlete in the field, teammate Tom Brady, mostly because he is a young, single guy that hangs out with adult film stars. Then, in a colossal upset, I pushed him past one of my personal favorites, Ryan Gosling, in the Elite 8.

He ultimately fell to Hamm in the Final Four, but at only 24-years old, Gronk's best days are ahead of him.


Rock Music is Dead

Our bracket of 64 featured only four traditional rock stars, and I use the term "rock star" very loosely with Maroon 5 and The Voice's Adam Levine. The other three guys, Jon Bon Jovi, Anthony Kiedis and Bruce Springsteen are, for lack of a better term, old as dirt. They had no chance.

So why the lack of rock stars? Well, rock music isn't fun anymore. Would you really wanna be that dude from Nickelback? I mean, he's pretty much the biggest rock star on the planet right now, and I don't know a single person that will admit to liking him, plus I would have to Google the band to find out his name.

If this tournament were done at any point between the 50s and late 90s, the brackets would have been littered with rock Gods. Guys like Elvis, Slash, Jagger, Hendrix, Ozzy, McCartney, Dylan, Clapton and Jim Morrison would all have been tough outs.

Not today though, as rappers like Kanye and Drake, along with pop stars like JT and the Biebs all enjoyed greater success in our tournament.

You heard it here first (or way after other people said it), rock music is dead!

Actually, We May Just Not Care About Music in General

I would say the mark of a true man crush in this tournament would be a guy that made the Suite 16. That said, only three musicians made it that far, and Justin Timberlake did so on the back of a budding acting career, and the fact that he's married to Jessica Biel. Kanye made it because… You know, I don't really know why. And, of course, Prince made it because, Jeremy.

Note: I did not count Prince as a rock star. Deal with it.

The other 13 guys? Seven actors, five athletes and Obama. Really, this shows you why the Rock won. He's a multiracial, actor/athlete. Now, if he runs for public office, he'll have this tournament locked up until the end of time.

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