Thursday, April 3, 2014

March Mascot Melee™: The Suite 16 Part Two

If the Rockets' mascot is just an overweight bear with a smile, maybe I advanced them too far.
By Jeremy Conlin (@jeremy_conlin)

Entering the week, we were down to our Suite 16 mascots in this 64-team, Thunderdome-style March Mascot Melee™. Yes, we realize that our tournament has pushed into April, and yes, we realize that we came into the week two full rounds behind the actual tournament that we're supposedly mirroring. We can easily explain those two nagging problems away by saying first that the last time the NCAA Tournament actually ended in March was during the Clinton administration, and second that by the end of the week, we'll be down to four teams, just like the actual tournament. So there.

Joe already kicked off the Suite 16 with the Titans and Vikings advancing from the NFL bracket, and the Pirates and Angels advancing from the MLB bracket. Here's what the bracket looks like now:

Click to enlarge
And now, here's the rest of the Suite 16:

1. New Jersey Devils vs. 5 Tampa Bay Lightning

This could potentially be a chicken-egg dilemma; one might believe that a strong surge of lightning might be enough to take down Lucifer, but there are also versions of Satan that can control and direct lightning.

What seals it for me is that lightning, as it naturally occurs, is just about completely random. It just takes the path of least resistance between it's point of origin and it's eventual destination. It doesn't target specific spots. If it was lightning being directed by Thor or Darth Sidious, sure, that lightning can be harnessed and pointed. But if that were the case, we would be arguing the Devil vs. Thor, or the Devil vs. Darth Sidious, and we're not doing that. We're simply comparing the Devil vs. naturally occurring lightning. In that event, the Devil being a sly, mischievous character is a huge advantage. He can just hide and dodge the lightning that comes at him.

Winner: Devils

3. Carolina Hurricanes vs. 7. Ottawa Senators

In the previous round, the Hurricanes made quick work of the Kings on the argument that while Kings can protect themselves against Heat (as they did in the NBA bracket), Kings can't quite defend against weather-related acts of God. Meanwhile, however, the Senators pulled an impressive upset over the Stars, based on the idea that in a time of crisis, the Senate would be able to commission some time of mega-nuke rocket to destroy a dangerous star, or perhaps the biggest, baddest wall in the history of walls to block out the encroaching light and energy. So now we have the Hurricanes vs. the Senators. 

Does a Republic have more power than a Monarchy? I think that's the question that matters most. Because if the answer is no, then the Hurricanes plow through the Senators for the exact same reason they did against the Kings. While the Senate is a more equitable way to arrange a government, you can't really deny that a King has more power than only the legislative body of government. The King encapsulates all three branches of government at once. If he can't stop a Hurricane, the Senate certainly can't.

Winner: Hurricanes

1. Washington Wizards vs. 5 Sacramento Kings

The Kings are still alive in one bracket, but it may be short lived.

In medieval fantasy-type times, Kings trumped Wizards, but that was more of a narrative device. Wizards were supposed to be deferential, merely advisers to the King. Think of how Gandalf acted in Lord of The Rings. He assisted, but very rarely did he push the king aside and say "You're doing it wrong, I'm taking over."

However, when push comes to shove, we all know that Wizards are more powerful than Kings. There would be no stepping aside out of respect for the crown when both were thrown into the Thunderdome. The Wizard would just do his magic stuff and the King would be dead within seconds. The King is dead. Long live the King.

Winner: Wizards

2. Orlando Magic vs. 6. Houston Rockets

The Rockets were able to upset the Suns on potential. Like the Senators battling the Stars, a scenario could exist in which the most powerful rocket ever could be built to blow up the sun. But how do you build a rocket powerful enough to destroy Magic?

Magic is an intangible, invisible force that just exists in the ether. You can't destroy Magic with a Rocket, just like you wouldn't be able to destroy light or energy or sound. To be honest, I'm not sure that Magic has a way to destroy the Rocket, either, because it isn't being wielded by a magical creature, but in that case, the Rocket would just fly around the Thunderdome searching for a target that is both everywhere and nowhere at the same time, and eventually would either (a) run into the side of the dome and explode, or (b) fly around in circles until it ran out of fuel and dropped to the ground and explode. Either way, the Rocket would be defeated by default.

Winner: Magic

Now, here is the updated bracket, headed into the Elite Eight:

Click to enlarge

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