Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Seven Sports Questions Asked By Adorable Animals

By Joe Parello (@HerewegoJoe)

Perhaps you've noticed something different about your favorite obscure sports website lately.

Do we have a new glow about us or something? Maybe the happiness of me going on my honeymoon, then coming back to an exciting lacrosse season and NBA playoffs is shining through in HTML form.

Well, no. We have more ads. See them, they're right up there and over there.

Yes, that's right, we've sold out, and there's no doubt in my mind that Jeremy and I will become wealthy beyond our wildest dreams, one penny per pageview at a time.

So, as the SuiteSports empire grows into the next ESPN, we have to increase eyeballs on our product. That's where adorable animals come in. Well, this week it's adorable animals, but rest assured we will be bringing you new click bait every week.

So, without further ado, here is the newest, most sell out-iest addition to

PS, thanks for reading, and check out our advertisers if you're in the market for (insert thing they are selling that you creepily kind of need or want).

Was the NBA Right to Ban Donald Sterling for life?

Let me start by saying that we were going to have a chocolate lab ask that question, but I think Donald Sterling has suffered enough.


Anyways, the more I think about this, there are three ways to look at commissioner Adam Silver's decision.

1. The moral view: Uh, yeah, he shouldn't be an owner if he thinks of minorities as less than people. Sure, that's the easy one. The NBA made the right call here.

2. The technical view: Well, he didn't break any laws, and he never said he would discriminate against minorities in his hiring practices or ticket selling practices (though we have decades of anecdotes about him discriminating against minorities in his real estate businesses). Plus, it was a private conversation that he probably expected to remain private.

Since he didn't break any laws, and this was just some racist-ass stuff that old, rich white people occasionally say, should the other old, rich white owners really ban him for life?

3. The financial view: And this is really the only one that matters. From a dollars and cents perspective, they had to ban him. Why? Because that franchise would have died a slow death over the next few years with advertisers pulling out, fan support dropping and NOBODY wanting to play or coach there. It would then be on the rest of the NBA owners to pick up the pieces.

Plus, if Sterling finally did decide to sell the team, it would be worth considerably less than market value of an NBA franchise, thus bringing the perception of what an NBA team is worth down in the eyes of future potential buyers.

Basically, it was can him now and look like heroes to advertisers and fans, or look like a bunch of old racist jerks and watch 1/30th of the league crumble, costing the other 29 owners time, money and public good will in the process.

Make no mistake about it, this is why Donald Sterling is no longer the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers.

Do the Popovich/Duncan-era Spurs Count as a "Dynasty?"

Our friend Mr. Panda is asking this because he kinda looks like the newer, chunkier Phil Jackson, who originally asserted that the Spurs of the last decade-plus were not a dynasty.
They look the same.
His reasoning? They've never won back-to-back championships.

I hate to say it, but I kind of agree with Phil here. The Spurs continually contend, year in and year out, but they were never the dominant force for 3-5 years that the early 2000s Lakers, or 90s Bulls were.

Now, you can debate whether it is more impressive to find one special group of players and win a bunch in a short window, or to turn the roster over multiple times around a select few guys and keep winning for an extended period of time.

I could see both sides of that argument, but we don't think of the second one as a dynasty. We just think of that as a great franchise.

Are the current Red Sox a dynasty?

What is Going On With the Pacers?

Gosh, I don't know Jaspir, but you are the jowls-iest.

Does Earl Thomas Really Deserve $40 Million ($27M Guaranteed)?

Isn't he cute? I've named him Earl, and he's the newest, smallest member of the Legion of Boom.

Anyways, of course the bigger Early deserves that money. Thomas is the new Ed Reed, and covers more ground than any safety, with really only a healthy Eric Berry even being in the conversation. The league is shifting away from hard hitting enforcer safeties, thanks to rule changes about hitting defenseless receivers, so free safeties that do what Thomas does are becoming the new standard.

Nobody does it better than him, and he serves as the perfect complement to battering ram Kam Chancellor on the back end of the Seattle defense. If the Seahawks can get Richard Sherman locked up long term next offseason, that secondary will be frustrating quarterbacks for years to come.

Who Should Be the First Pick in the NFL Draft? 

Depends on who is picking, but if the Texans stand pat, I would expect them to take apex-predator Jadeveon Clowney. The pass rusher our of South Carolina is the best talent in a remarkably talented draft, and there isn't an Andrew Luck-type can't miss quarterback out there this year.

However, if the Texans trade out, all bets are off. Wouldn't it just be the most Cleveland thing ever for the Browns to move up to No. 1 to make sure they get Johnny Manziel?

I would love that.

Who Will Win This Weekend's Mayweather-Maidana Fight?

Um, it isn't the Maidana-Mayweather fight, is it? Nope, and that's why my man "Money" remains undefeated.

How Much Scrutiny Should Sidney Crosby Be Under for His Playoff Goal Drought? 

A small group of Penguins fans actually booed Crosby at one point in Pittsburgh's game five win over Columbus. I think with great players in any sport, we expect them to come through in the biggest moments, so I say Crosby, the best hockey player in the world, is certainly fair game.

I mean, he hasn't scored a goal in his last 11 postseason games, including a 4-0 series loss to the Bruins in last year's Eastern Conference Finals, and an at times lackadaisical first round 4-2 win over the Blue Jackets this season. So, if you're a Penguin fan, wouldn't you be wondering what the heck is going on? Teammate Evgeni Malkin had a similar drought going until game six of the Columbus series, and he responded with a series-clinching hat trick.

Maybe the math will work itself out and Crosby will go on a scoring run in the next round, but right now he does deserve to take some heat.

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