Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Condescending Sports Statements Made by "Mean Girls" Characters

By Joe Parello (@HerewegoJoe)

In one of my previous click bait blogs I included a picture of "Mean Girls" era Lindsey Lohan. As you know, "Mean Girls" Lindsay is the best Lindsay, and I figured since this year is the 10th Anniversary of that truly classic film, I'd give it it's own article.

Here they are, condescending sports statements made by "Mean Girls" characters.

Johnny Manziel is Already Partying in Vegas With Rob Gronkowski…

Isn't that just the most Johnny Football/Gronk thing ever? These two need to do a reality show together. I'd tune in every week to watch them bro out in a different locale.

A Parent Allowed their Child to Impersonate Chris "Birdman" Andersen…

Ok, so the Birdman isn't exactly a solid role model for children, but this kid got to meet Shaq,

the Sports Guy and Jalen Rose,

and Stephen A. Smith.
No word on when "Kid Birdman" will make his "First Take" debut to argue Miami's chances of three-peating with Stephen A. and Skip.

Both Williams Sisters Lost Early in the French Open. It's Like They Don't Even Care Anymore!

They totally don't!

When the Williams sisters give a damn, they're practically unbeatable. They're simply too strong and too competitive for everybody else in the field. Their own celebrity is the only thing holding them back from being the two greatest female players ever.

Not that it's a bad thing. They get to have clothing lines and appear in magazines, while other players get a chance to shine, but the women's brackets of these major tournaments always take a hit when star players bow out early, and these are two of the three biggest stars in women's tennis.

 The U.S. Only Beat Azerbaijan 2-0 in its Final World Cup Tune Up

I'll be honest, I had to Google Azerbaijan to find out exactly where it is. I knew it was somewhere near the Caspian sea and not that big though, so there's no excuse for this America!

I mean, Landon Donovan scored two goals (and dished out an assist) by himself the other night, so why can't these 23 guys that are better than him drop 20 on this country only noteworthy for being the first Muslin majority nation to allow operas, theaters and plays?

Ok, now I'm just reading off their Wikipedia page.

 Duke Won Its Second Consecutive NCAA Men's Lacrosse Championship…

And those two titles are easily the second and third most publicized things to ever happen to Duke lacrosse.

Ohio State and Michigan Each Sent Typo-Ridden Recruiting Material to the Same High School Player…

I would expect this kind of illiteracy from Alabama and LSU, but you Big Ten schools are supposed to be better!
"Deilver"ing titles

"All Amercian!"

Well, I'm sure Northwestern sent him a mock-scholarly journal with all of his future accomplishments in Evanston listed.

50 Cent's First Pitch…

It's only because he was trying to make fetch happen!

Ha, get it?

Ok, I'll leave.

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