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| Grayson Allen is just the latest annoying white dude from Duke that you hate. |
It's a new NCAA Tournament, and that means another ranking of the most/least likable teams in the field!
Just to be nice, I've even included Vanderbilt and Farleigh Dickinson (who?), the two teams bounced from last night's first pair of play-in games. That's how generous I'm being this year.
Now, I'm normally no fan of plagiarism, but I'd like to quote myself from last year so that I don't have to write an entirely new introduction for what is, essentially, the same story, only updated.
It would be like coming up with a new rap song every year for the Madden NFL video game. That's just illogical. Anyways, to quote myself:
"What usually makes a team 'likable?'
Well, we tend to want them to play "the right way." This means buying in on defense, hitting the glass, and being able to shoot the three. You know, all white guy basketball stereotypes...
While we're at it, let's stick with racial stereotypes, because most plucky underdogs and national darlings (Gonzaga, Northern Iowa, Wisconsin, etc) have had overly "white" rosters throughout the years.
So, it helps to have white players, apparently. It's okay white America, you can admit it.
You should also probably have a likable coach, one that carries himself with dignity and seems to exude an integrity not often found in the slimy world of college coaching.
And let's not forget about academics!
That's right, every year we see people get behind the Ivy League champion (
These institutions aren't Kentucky or North Carolina, the kids on these teams actually go to class, and obviously never get ANY benefits from being basketball players. They just play for the love of the game!
So, what we've established is that your team needs to play hard, be fundamentally sound, have some scrappy white guys, be coached by a brilliant beacon of integrity, and live up to rigorous academic standards.
Of course, if you have all those things, we just hate you even more and call you Duke.
Without further ado, here are my completely personal and subjective rankings of the 'likability' of the teams in the tournament, ranked from worst to first."
Keep in mind that I'm a Purdue grad...
I hate you Hoosiers. I hate you so much.
67. Southern
There are directional schools, like Eastern Michigan, and there are even double-directional schools, like Southeast Missouri State. Then there's just… A direction. You forgot the second part of your name, Southern. You're not one of Kanye West's kids.
66. Texas
Much like Ohio State and every school in the SEC not named Kentucky, it angers me when this team is good at basketball, mostly because nobody on campus cares.
65. Wisconsin
64. Iowa
Even if you haven't watched either of these teams this year, you know they're led by goofy, awkwardly effective white dudes. Let's get a little variety into these programs.
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| This is the mascot from Fairleigh Dickinson awkwardly hitting on some chicks. Seriously, this is a school in the NCAA Tournament. |
62. Fairleigh Dickinson
61. Weber State
60. Hampton
59. Iona
I have no idea where any of these schools are located. Now, I could blame myself for remaining ignorant in the era of instantaneous information, but I'm instead going to blame these institutions of higher learning for not being cool enough for me to know anything about them.
I'm embracing my own ignorance, much like the American electorate.
58. Little Rock
57. Stony Brook
I don't like rocks or stones... Or brooks.
56. USC
See Texas above.
55. Saint Joseph's
54. Dayton
53. VCU
Ugh, stop it with the Atlantic 10! I can't stand that this conference is actually sorta good again.
52. Buffalo
51. Green Bay
This is clearly a midseason, 1 pm NFL game on FOX that only people in these two markets will see.
50. Utah
I like them better than BYU.
49. Texas A&M
48. Baylor
47. Texas Tech
Slightly less hateable than Texas.
46. Michigan
My least favorite team from Michigan in this year's field (unless one of those teams above that I am ignorant to is from Michigan).
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| D'oh! I hate your team, but I can't hate you! |
Stupid Butler and your damn Cinderella runs! Let a fan base that hasn't had success recently (like Purdue) get some of that action! You have like 12 students! That's enough success for the next century for you guys.
44. South Dakota State
Sure.
43. Yale
Always root against the Ivy League, if only so your future boss can feel failure before he drives you to the brink of insanity later in life.
Oh, and they're former captain was expelled for sexual assault last month, and is now hitting back with some vicious victim blaming.
42. UNC Wilmington
At least the second-best UNC in the field.
41. North Carolina
Probably the best UNC in the field.
40. Oregon State
39. Oregon
Oregon is a nice state, I guess. I went there once and it was kind of pretty, but the people that live there are REALLY about living there. It's like a liberal Texas.
38. Villanova
37. Xavier
36. Providence
35. Seton Hall
Here is your reminder that these jerky Catholic schools burned the real Big East down, and then somehow got to the keep the name! This conference should be renamed the "Small Catholic Schools With Crappy Football Teams" league, but we're just so politically correct in this country.
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| Go CSUB Roadrunners! Meep Meep! |
Another one of these Cal States?
33. Maryland
32. Cal
These two teams have a ton of NBA talent, and probably won't make it past the Sweet 16.
31. Cincinnati
Dang, I've gone this far and not mentioned how much I hate Cincinnati? They should probably be lower, but I don't feel like going back and putting them in. Just know I don't like Cincy.
30. Temple
What conference is this team in?
29. Kansas
A tolerable national power at a school with comically bad football.
28. Arizona
A tolerable national power at a school with comically low admission standards.
27. Northern Iowa
26. Chattanooga
I feel like one of these teams is going to pull off an upset, and then get blown out in the second round. They just seem like those kinds of teams, don't they?
25. UConn
National championship or bust. No seriously, they're either going to get hot and improbably win it all, or they're going to lose in the first round.
24. Colorado
And this is the pot smokin' team that might beat them.
23. Tulsa
My second-favorite Hurricane-based mascot in this tournament.
22. UNC Asheville
Definitely the third best UNC in the field.
21. Oklahoma
I know I should hate the Sooners, since they're good at football and all, but something makes me like them better than Texas and those other football schools. Maybe because Blake Griffin went there? I don't know, this isn't a scientific ranking.
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| The "mastermind" behind Syracuse's middle school defense. |
You've gotta hand it to Jim Boeheim for convincing us that the 2-3 zone is some master strategy, and not what a bunch of middle aged dudes run at the rec center when they're too tired to play man-to-man.
19. Kentucky
Why are murder cases hard to solve in Kentucky? No dental records, and everyone has the same DNA!
Offensive jokes aside, I do like Coach Cal and the basketball team.
18. West Virginia
Dammit, I just blew that joke on Kentucky!
17. Virginia
Less racist and backwards than West Virginia, except for the whole Civil War thing.
16. Iowa State
Georges Niang has an awesome name.
15. Middle Tennessee State
Ok, MTSU, you've survived a while on this list because I haven't found anything particularly terrible about you. Well, except the fact that you suck at basketball, but that's not really what this list is about.
14. Fresno State
Wait, this has to be a mistake. Yeah, I put this together way too hastily. Fresno State should be much lower. Just pretend I have them ranked like 45th.
13. Notre Dame
I hate the Irish in football, but I gotta tell you, I really don't mind them in basketball. I find coach Mike Brey's "used car salesman/shady lawyer" look endearing.
12. Vanderbilt
Nashville is, like, a really nice town. Seriously, you should go some time. It's lovely.
11. Florida Gulf Coast
We'll always have dunk city...
10. Holy Cross
This team finished 9th in the Patriot League during the regular season (5-13 in league play), and still found a way to win the conference tournament. You have to respect that… And have to see why they're the lowest overall seed in the entire field.
9. Stephen F. Austin
Stone Cold! Stone Cold!
8. Gonzaga
I hated them last year because they were a bunch of bums who were living off the legacy of tournament success from a decade prior.
Then they went out and made the Elite Eight, so I like them again. Go Zags!
Any team named the Shockers is ok in my book.
6. Hawaii
Oh hey, Hawaii's in the NCAA Tournament. That's kinda fun.
5. Miami
Oh hey, Miami's good at basketball. That's kinda fun.
4. Pittsburgh
I was born in the Burgh and my dad is a Pitt grad, so I guess I have to root for them.
3. Michigan State
It doesn't matter if they're a 1-seed, a 2-seed, an 8 or a 9-seed, this team is going to the Final Four. Tom Izzo is an evil wizard that can only use his powers one month out of the year.
2. Duke
So much scrappiness, toughness (both physical and mental), leadership and gamer-ness. This team would totally be the good guys in a sports movie. Well, unless it was an 80s sports movie. Then they'd be the Cobra Kai. Sweep the leg, Dukies!
Uh, I went there, so Boiler Up, and allow me to get my hopes irrationally high for a miracle Purdue Final Four run!
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