Friday, July 3, 2015

Japan vs America in Things Other than Soccer

By Joe Parello (@HerewegoJoe)

It's always great to be an American, but it just feels better this time of year, doesn't it? With our Independence Day coming up tomorrow, and our badass women's soccer team going for a World Cup title Sunday, I thought I'd bring back my (somewhat) popular look at how our great nation stacks up against its next soccer opponent off the pitch.

If you'd like to see some of my old ones from last year's men's World Cup, you can check out America's battles against both Germany and Belgium below, along with some other random thoughts on American soccer in general.

Germany vs America in Things Other Than Soccer
Belgium vs America in Things Other Than Soccer
Dealing With Ties and Other Dilemmas of a Wannabe US Soccer Fan
Will Soccer Stick in America THIS Time?

Now, let's move onto the US vs Japan.
The Japanese Flag vs The American Flag

Let's start with what we have pictured at the top of the article, the flags of these two great nations. Look, Japan, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but you have, maybe, the most boring national flag in the world.

Seriously, it looks like a super closeup of a really pale person with chickenpox. It's a shame, because when you were all imperialistic during World War II, your flag was soooo awesome!
I mean, look at that thing, it's sweet. But, as it stands now, the Stars and Stripes prevail over what may or may not be the representation of a children's viral infection.

Point: USA!
Score: 1-0 America

Japanese Cars vs American Cars

American "muscle cars" have long since lost their appeal, and Japanese automakers like Toyota and Honda just make cars that run longer, use less fuel and, often, cost less. Plus, I'm a Fast and Furious nut, so I gotta give it up for the Supra, RX-7 and GT-R over the Mustang, Corvette and Viper.

Point: 日本
Score: 1-1 tie

The Watanabe Clan vs the Wu-Tang Clan

I don't know much about the Watanabe Clan, but I do know that the gentlemen from the Wu are not to be messed with.

Point: USA!
Score: 2-1 America

Japanese Pro Wrestling vs American Pro Wrestling

Ok, so the Hulkster (and American professional wrestling in general) is corny as hell, but this dude on the left looks like a failed Power Rangers villain. That, and the fact that WWE is where every aspiring "sports entertainer" hopes to end up, make this an easy choice.

Point: USA!
Score: 3-1 America

Sushi vs Chicken of the Sea

Any seafood that comes in a can and says "chunk" on it makes me a bit nauseous, while sushi is just awesome. They can both make you sick, but come on, you know who wins this.

Point: 日本
Score: 3-2 America

Pokemon vs Dog Fighting

While the Japanese have invented a somewhat sick fictional world where they capture animals and force them to battle each other, many individuals in America's south (most famously NFL star Michael Vick) have forced actual living things to fight each other to the death. I'll give Japan credit for limiting this animal-on-animal cruelty to video games and trading cards, rather than taking it to their basements and back alleys.

Point: 日本
Score: 3-3 tie

Japanese Game Shows vs American Game Shows

I don't know much about Japanese game shows, other than their crazy reputations. But, all you have to do is read this Cracked article to know that you'll stick with Trebek and Sajak over whatever it is these folks in Japan are doing.

Point: USA!
Final Score: 4-3 America

So there you have it, the debate is over. America is the superior nation. Now all that's left to do is for the USWNT to avenge 2011's upset defeat and reclaim its rightful place at the top of the women's soccer. USA! USA! USA!


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